Battling ghosts from the past

Last night events conspired to set my mind on a path that I thought I had under control if not left behind.

On a trigger, ghosts from my past flooded my mind and the hurt was as real as I was experiencing them for the first time.

Born and brought up in a good family, on the face of it I had a great start in life. But my sense of inadequacy grew and grew into my teenage years. Nothing huge happened just lots of small things:

• Weakness and difficulties with my legs in particular quickly signaled me as different.
• Being painfully thin (wish I had that problem now) brought the derogatory nickname, Spunk (Scottish for a dead match) which I loathed.
• Although I loved sport my stature meant that I was picked last for every team.
• This created some destructive ultra competitive behaviour as I couldn't bear to loose at anything. So I was a very sore looser.
• I felt that my mum, even though she was great, compared me to others and I was convinced in my mind that she would rather have them as a son. (Wrong I know but a real thought)
• Even when I did good it somehow was not enough.

So last night at the age of 46 I was battling with the same giants caused long ago by careless words of loving people, harsh words of immature people and the isolation of a dark mind.

Today thankfully I have the maturity to bring these under control. I am able to process these things with God's help and get to the right conclusion, just.

In the words of the band Bluetree: Your (God's) love, your everlasting love transforms me. Your grace your unending grace it lifts me.

Meditating on God's perfect love casts out all fear.

Thankfully the Holy Spirit banishes all past ghosts but help him out by jealously guarding the words you say to people particularly the young.

I don't really want to hit publish but that would be giving into the ghosts but I will because I know God uses every experience even the painful ones if we will just let him.