Monday, March 01, 2010

Being Authentic - really

I've tried to be authentic in my posts here. I document my struggles with all sorts of things. I am a fan of grace because I need it so often. Somethings are struggles but they don't really affect anyone but me, others unfortunately affect people.

So today I sit frustrated with myself. Today I used my words to hurt someone. Somewhere in the scheme of things I MAY have had a valid point, but it really does not matter. And I sit trying to understand myself. Confused & annoyed!?

It's not a surprise to me, I know myself only too well. This has been with me from early in life. Being physically weak meant that I lost at most things such as sports, which I loved. I never got used to loosing I just hated it all the more. Even my nickname, Spunk, was derogatory and poked fun at my weakness. I hated it every time someone used, I wanted to hit them but knew it was a waste of time. But winning in anything became important even if it was just winning an argument with words.

I'm a control freak and can win an argument but lose the person.

None of this is an excuse and it isn't the whole story but it is the beginnings.

I'm broken and I really need God's help to fix me.

Hard to write but probably not a surprise to those who really know me.


Anonymous said...

I know the need to win an argument. I know the need to be right. I know about being rubbish at sport at school!

Sometimes all there is left is to ask forgiveness of the person and of God, and accept it (because at least one will forgive you).

Billy Ritchie said...

Yup, Already done and both people accepted it. Just some things you wish you had learned by now.

Tucker said...

A very honest sharing of your situation and not only yours I suspect. Quite a number of us fail at this hurdle I'd say. I was thinking along the same lines... acceptance of yourself and of your failings (even if they are repeated), ask for God's Grace and pray for direction.

Regards T

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